Today’s phrase of magnanimous condescension: “Everyone deserves a shot!”

Isn’t it heartwarming? The sheer generosity of it all! These luminous beings, these paragons of virtue and success, deigning to offer us lowly peons a “shot” at… well, existing, I suppose. Because clearly, we’ve all just been waiting in some cosmic green room, twiddling our thumbs until the grand puppeteers of opportunity decide it’s our turn to audition for the role of “functional human being.”

Oh, how grateful we should be! These infallible arbiters of worth, these flawless dispensers of chances, have gazed upon us from their lofty perches and declared that we, too, might be permitted to try our hand at this game called life. Never mind that we’re already here, already living, already striving. No, no—our existence only truly begins when they magnanimously offer us that coveted “shot.”

And let’s not forget the ludicrous implication that these chance-givers, these shot-offerers, are themselves the pinnacle of perfection. After all, who else could be qualified to determine who deserves what? No, these arbiters of opportunity must be flawless beings, untouched by error or bias.

So, here’s to you, oh gracious bestowers of shots! May your arms never tire from patting yourselves on the back for your boundless generosity. And to all you deserving masses out there, eagerly awaiting your chance to prove your worth to these benevolent overlords—remember, you’re not really living until someone important decides you deserve to!

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be over here, existing defiantly without anyone’s permission, shot be damned!